Hyper "nesting"

We started taking a parenting class this last month. I thought that after taking the class that I would perhaps feel more prepared as a mother-to-be. While the class was very informative, it actually made me a little more anxious then I was before the class.... if that was even possible. It threw me into a frenzy of wanting to make sure we have everything we need when the baby arrives. My husband says I am hyper "nesting". I guess pregnant women nest too, but they are so tired near the end of the pregnancy that the nesting isn't as hyper.

To add to the nesting, we talked to our birth mother this week and are realizing that her due date is coming fast! We could be having a baby in 4 weeks! It just blows my mind how fast this has all happened. Granted I have been hoping for this for many years, but the actual adoption process for us has been less then 9 months. It really  is a testimony to me that when the Lord wants one of his little ones to be in your home, that He can make miracles happen!

Almost 4 pounds!

We just had another great visit with our birth mother right after she had a doctor's appointment. She said that the baby was doing well and that he was almost 4 pounds! She said that he is kicking alot and is very active. For so many this would be another Dr. visit, but for me it truly was a moment that made this experience more real. I don't have the opportunity to feel the baby inside of me, but when I heard that our baby was almost 4 pounds and that he is really active, it was a glimpse of what my baby was like. I just hung on those words as if it were life itself. My heart felt like it also grew 4 pounds. I could feel my love for him growing in my heart even though I couldn't feel him grow in my belly.

My new favorite store!

Before the baby I have to say I never actually had been in a "Babies R Us" store. The stores that I frequented the most was probably Bloomingdales and Macy's. Now that the baby will be here in less then 3 months,  I have been to this baby store more times then my husband probably would like to count. I will admit I went a little overboard when they had a sale on all newborn clothing, but like I told my husband they make such cute boys clothes now!

For so many years I had been the aunt or friend buying a present for a baby shower, now here I am looking for my baby. Buying items for the baby is the part that makes this whole process worth it. The adoption process can sometimes leave you feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, but as soon as I saw a pair of baby tennis shoes those anxiety feelings are quickly replaced with feelings of excitement. Knowing that one day I will have a baby boy who would actually wear those shoes.

One day at the baby store, a women was looking for a present for a friend who was having a little boy. She noticed I was also looking at baby boy clothing. She asked me if I had a little boy. I then smiled and said no, but I will be soon.

The physics in the quest

I just saw "Eat Pray Love" last night and really related to one of the last excerpts of her book. I feel it related to me as I am continuing this journey I call life. Here is the excerpt:

"The physics in the quest is a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The truth behind those laws states that if you are brave enough to leave behind everything that is familiar and comforting to you (which can be anything from your home or even bitter resentments).... and set out on a truth seeking journey, (either internally or externally)... and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue... and if you accept everyone you meet as a teacher... and if you are prepared most of all to face and forgive some very difficult  realities about yourself....then the truth will not be withheld from you!"

Some might wonder how this relates to adoption. I am realizing that this whole adoption process is just another chapter in my life's journey. It stretches you emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Anyone who truly knows me, is aware of some tough roads I have been on while on my life's journey. Along each road I have taken I have tried to learn something from each of them. I truly believe that the people I have met along my way have brought me to this point and that this road will take me to where my soul is to travel next.

What a courageous women!

There are 3 different types of adoptions. Open, (where both the birth parents and adoptive parents speak often and the birth parent can visit the child during their life). Semi-open, (where there is some communication before the birth and then you send letters and pictures periodically through the adoption agency). Closed, (where there is no contact on either side before or after the adoption). Before you are even matched with a birth mother, both sides have already decided on what type of adoption they are comfortable with. Jon and I chose a semi-open adoption, so we knew that at some point we would be talking with the birth mother before the birth takes place.

Today our agency called us and said that the birth mother would like to talk to us. I kept asking myself, what do I even say to the person that is going to give your child life!?!  Jon and I anxiously made the call and what an experience it was. After talking with her for a short time, I am in awe as to how courageous this woman is. She spoke of wanting to provide a better life for her child and after seeing our profile book she felt we were the right choice for her baby. I can not even begin to imagine what it must feel like to give up a child, and trust a couple to take care of that child whom you have never met before.

We had prayed so much to be led to the child that was to be in our family, and all the while she was praying to find the right parents to raise her unborn child. It was at that moment that it hit me that this women and I will be bonded forever. I am beginning to deeply realize the amazing responsibility a mother has in a child’s life. She was the mother who gave life to her child while I will be the mother who will help him grow and become the person he is to be in this life. Talking with her was a truly humbling experience.

Getting ready for baby

Over the holidays Jon had a week off of work and so I decided now would be a good time to convert my office into the nursery. We painted and put the crib together. After 4 days we sat on the floor and looked at our hard work and then both of us just held each other and started talking about how our lives will be changing it just 3 short months. I have been dreaming about this for over 10 years and now it is happening! There are so many emotions. I keep wondering what kind of mother I will be and hoping that I will be a good mother.

Not only do we have to get emotionally ready, but also financially ready. While you have to get everything ready for baby, we also have to figure out our finances to pay for the adoption. Many don't realize that once you get a match you pay up front a quarter of adoption fees to help the birth mother with her medical expenses and provide counselling for her. This is to help with the transition and to make sure the baby is healthy. However, we could potentially be out thousands of dollars if she decides to keep the baby. It is a risk every adoptive family has to consider.

Our families have been so great to help us with the expenses of getting the baby room ready and we are so grateful! Over Christmas my sister gave us her little bassinet and as she was showing me how to put it together I just burst into tears. I have been doing this alot lately... and I am not even that big of a cryer! There are just so many emotions that comes with this process. You're not only preparing as you normally would for an arrival of a baby, but you also have to hold back your excitement because there is a chance that it won't work out. The birth mother has 3 days after giving birth to decide whether she wants to keep the baby. In a normal pregnancy, once you given birth you know you get to take the baby home. With us... it is up to someone else. Both Jon and I know the potential risks of all of this, but we keep telling ourselves that big risks get big rewards. If we get our little boy after all of this... we know every bit of this journey will be so worth it!

We got a match!

Our adoption agency called us and told us that they found a match for us. It is a little African American baby boy that is due April 1st. What an emotional roller coaster! They call you and tell a little about the birth mothers circumstances... but it is very little. We know just enough to make a decision. One thing we did not expect was the amount of time they give you to accept the match. We had only 48 hours to make one of the biggest decisions of our lives. Your head just spins with questions, excitement, and also a lot of anxiety.

We had been approached about some other possible matches, but as our adoption agency told us about this match an overwhelming feeling just encompassed me. I quickly called my mom to discuss things with her and as I was telling her the details, I just started crying. I knew that this child was meant to be MY child.The only way I can explain the feeling would be something like a mothers intuition.  My mother then said, "Congratulations you are 5 months pregnant!" What a special day!