I had read that when an expected adoptive family loses a child, it is equivalent as to having a still born baby. I would totally agree with that statement. My brother had a still born baby, and I remember being at the hospital, watching him and his wife go through one of the hardest things they had ever faced. As we returned from Louisiana, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do was come home to an empty nursery. A nursery I had prepared months for. We had even put his name on the wall, "Christopher". Passing by that room everyday is still hard.
The thought of losing this child, and the way it happened, was very traumatic for me. He was the child I had such a deep connection to for over 10 years! Now to be this close to having him in my arms, my world felt very empty. I tried to quickly throw myself into menial tasks by taking my mind off of it, but the grief was too overwhelming. Then one day I realized, just how I had before when my father passed away, I only can move forward one day at a time. After my father died a few years ago, I realized you never really move on... just forward. Moving forward I know that my child, my little boy, the child that I know is supposed to be in our family.... is yet to still BE born. That birth mom had a little boy she named Jordan... that was not my "Christopher". One day I know that when our little African-American son comes into our lives all of this heart ache and grief will be worth it.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The untold story
It has been over a month now since our adoption fell through. I have not known what to write about it for some time because of the intense heart break that we have gone through. For those that don't know what happened, I thought I would describe the events that led up to the failed adoption. As posted on my last entry, our birth mom did not fly out here to give birth as planned. She had told us that her doctor wasn't going to let her fly and that he pushed back her due date by a couple of weeks. It was at that point that I instinctively knew something was wrong. We weren't able to reach her for a few days after that because she said she was helping out her grandmother. When we finally did speak to her, we told her that we would be flying out there in a few days so we would be there for the delivery. As we spoke to her she told me how excited she was to meet us and that she wanted me in the delivery room with her.
My husband and I made plans to take the red eye out to Monroe, Louisiana the following week. We left her a voice mail the night before saying that we would see her the next day and wanted to take her out to dinner before she went into the hospital to get induced. The next morning is when the heartbreaking truth began to unfold. We were in Atlanta on a layover and were waiting to board our plane to Louisiana. As we were about to board the plane, our adoption agency received a text from the birth mom saying that she had the baby last night and that the birth father wanted to raise the baby. I quickly called the agency and told them that all of this was too suspicious seeing how we left her a message last night and then all of the sudden she had the baby. I told our agency we were going to board the plane and while we were on our way I wanted them to call all the hospitals in Monroe and see if she is actually there.
As we landed in Monroe about 2 hours later, our agency called and told us that the birth mom shut off all of her phones and they have no way of reaching her. They called all the hospitals and she was not in any of them. So there we sat in a small hotel in Monroe, LA wondering what to do next. Our agency was going to call the police and she if they could get any answers. As we were waiting to hear back from the agency, my husband started doing his own investigation. (Keep in mind we only knew her first name at the time, the city where she lived, and her birthday.) With just that information, my husband came across a facebook page with a picture of a brand new baby boy and her first and last name. We quickly called the agency and asked them to confirm her last name. It was her page!
As we looked at her facebook page she created just 3 weeks prior to when we arrived, we then realized the horrific truth about this women. Apparently the day after she was to fly out to here, she had given birth! The three days she was "taking care of her grand mother", she was actually recovering in the hospital. We felt so betrayed. I couldn't believe that the day she told me she wanted me in the delivery room, she had actually had the baby already! According to her status updates even the due date she told our agency was a lie. As the truth started to unfold we realized that she never had intended on ever giving the baby up for adoption, but only did this to get her living expenses paid for the last six months. We found out when she told our agency that her due date was pushed back it was so the agency would use our "good faith" money to pay for her rent. One of the most disturbing things she posted was her main comment about herself... it stated, "CEO of getting what's mine".
As you can imagine, my husband and I were horrified! We knew going into this that there is always the potential emotional and financial risk of losing a child if the birth parents changed their minds. To us it wasn't about the thousands of dollars that were lost, it was about the horrible betrayal that came from this women. We had spoken to this women every other week since Christmas and thought we had built a lasting friendship with her. Since she had cut off all communication with our agency, we decided to confront her and send her a message on facebook. As you can imagine, she didn't expect our message Of course she came up with a million excuses, but ultimately she knew she had been caught.
Unfortunately, with the ways the adoption laws are written, there really is nothing that can be done. We were able to put her on the national adoption registry to tell everyone she is a fraud. That way she won't be able to ever do this again to another couple. However, that doesn't leave us much consolation as we still are left without what we wanted the most... our baby boy.
My husband and I made plans to take the red eye out to Monroe, Louisiana the following week. We left her a voice mail the night before saying that we would see her the next day and wanted to take her out to dinner before she went into the hospital to get induced. The next morning is when the heartbreaking truth began to unfold. We were in Atlanta on a layover and were waiting to board our plane to Louisiana. As we were about to board the plane, our adoption agency received a text from the birth mom saying that she had the baby last night and that the birth father wanted to raise the baby. I quickly called the agency and told them that all of this was too suspicious seeing how we left her a message last night and then all of the sudden she had the baby. I told our agency we were going to board the plane and while we were on our way I wanted them to call all the hospitals in Monroe and see if she is actually there.
As we landed in Monroe about 2 hours later, our agency called and told us that the birth mom shut off all of her phones and they have no way of reaching her. They called all the hospitals and she was not in any of them. So there we sat in a small hotel in Monroe, LA wondering what to do next. Our agency was going to call the police and she if they could get any answers. As we were waiting to hear back from the agency, my husband started doing his own investigation. (Keep in mind we only knew her first name at the time, the city where she lived, and her birthday.) With just that information, my husband came across a facebook page with a picture of a brand new baby boy and her first and last name. We quickly called the agency and asked them to confirm her last name. It was her page!
As we looked at her facebook page she created just 3 weeks prior to when we arrived, we then realized the horrific truth about this women. Apparently the day after she was to fly out to here, she had given birth! The three days she was "taking care of her grand mother", she was actually recovering in the hospital. We felt so betrayed. I couldn't believe that the day she told me she wanted me in the delivery room, she had actually had the baby already! According to her status updates even the due date she told our agency was a lie. As the truth started to unfold we realized that she never had intended on ever giving the baby up for adoption, but only did this to get her living expenses paid for the last six months. We found out when she told our agency that her due date was pushed back it was so the agency would use our "good faith" money to pay for her rent. One of the most disturbing things she posted was her main comment about herself... it stated, "CEO of getting what's mine".
As you can imagine, my husband and I were horrified! We knew going into this that there is always the potential emotional and financial risk of losing a child if the birth parents changed their minds. To us it wasn't about the thousands of dollars that were lost, it was about the horrible betrayal that came from this women. We had spoken to this women every other week since Christmas and thought we had built a lasting friendship with her. Since she had cut off all communication with our agency, we decided to confront her and send her a message on facebook. As you can imagine, she didn't expect our message Of course she came up with a million excuses, but ultimately she knew she had been caught.
Unfortunately, with the ways the adoption laws are written, there really is nothing that can be done. We were able to put her on the national adoption registry to tell everyone she is a fraud. That way she won't be able to ever do this again to another couple. However, that doesn't leave us much consolation as we still are left without what we wanted the most... our baby boy.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The emotional labor
Our birth mom was scheduled to fly out here last week to give birth to the baby. I was getting so excited to finally meet her! The day she was scheduled to fly out, I had been running around all day getting the last of the items I needed for the baby. As I was leaving the store I received a phone call from our adoption agency. Our agent called and asked if we had heard from our birth mom. I hadn't and asked why. She said that she didn't make it on her plane and that they weren't able to reach her for the last three hours.
My mind began to swirl with different ideas of why she didn't get on the plane. Had she changed her mind? Was she ok? For the next two hours my emotions were all over the place. I had heard that adoptive parents go through an emotional labor, and now I know what they are talking about. You become attached to the idea that this is your child, and he was just delivered to you in a different way. The idea enters your mind, "what if this doesn't work out?" That thought made me extremely emotional.
We finally were able to track down our birth mom. She became nervous to come out here, but still wanted to proceed with the adoption. We are now scheduled to fly out there in a few days, so she can have the baby in her home town. I am still hopeful that this all works out and I hope this emotional roller coaster comes to an end soon.
My mind began to swirl with different ideas of why she didn't get on the plane. Had she changed her mind? Was she ok? For the next two hours my emotions were all over the place. I had heard that adoptive parents go through an emotional labor, and now I know what they are talking about. You become attached to the idea that this is your child, and he was just delivered to you in a different way. The idea enters your mind, "what if this doesn't work out?" That thought made me extremely emotional.
We finally were able to track down our birth mom. She became nervous to come out here, but still wanted to proceed with the adoption. We are now scheduled to fly out there in a few days, so she can have the baby in her home town. I am still hopeful that this all works out and I hope this emotional roller coaster comes to an end soon.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
All the details
We met yesterday with our agency and got all the details on how the day of the birth will happen. As of right now she is flying out here to have the baby. I am glad we will be able to spend some time with her in person before she has the baby. The agency said that each birth mom has a different level of comfort to how involved she would like the adoptive parents to be that day. There are a lot of variables leading up to the placement. This process can be really hard when you are a planner such as myself. All I can do is say a lot of prayers hoping that everything will run smoothly.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Not my child.... yet.
The baby is scheduled to deliver in less then 4 weeks, and this is where I wish our roller coaster ride was easier. I fear however, that this is where the "emotional" loops begin. They say that a birth mother changes her mind up to 3 times before she finally decides to give her baby up for adoption. I am sure our birth mother is no different. I know she get pressured from many sources to keep the baby, and that can make any adoptive couple fairly nervous.
I realized today though that while my heart has grown so much and I truly feel that this child is to be our child....it really isn't our baby yet. It is hers. It is her decision as to how she wants the child she gave birth to raised, and I can't make that decision for her. All I can do is try to reassure her that her child, if she chooses to give him over to us, will be loved beyond belief.
I can't put into words how much I already love this child. It is strange to say that when I haven't seen him or have even felt him. But my heart can feel his heart and isn't that what a mothers love is all about? I fear I would be truly heart broken if he does not come into our lives. I feel a part of my heart would be missing.
I realized today though that while my heart has grown so much and I truly feel that this child is to be our child....it really isn't our baby yet. It is hers. It is her decision as to how she wants the child she gave birth to raised, and I can't make that decision for her. All I can do is try to reassure her that her child, if she chooses to give him over to us, will be loved beyond belief.
I can't put into words how much I already love this child. It is strange to say that when I haven't seen him or have even felt him. But my heart can feel his heart and isn't that what a mothers love is all about? I fear I would be truly heart broken if he does not come into our lives. I feel a part of my heart would be missing.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Hyper "nesting"
We started taking a parenting class this last month. I thought that after taking the class that I would perhaps feel more prepared as a mother-to-be. While the class was very informative, it actually made me a little more anxious then I was before the class.... if that was even possible. It threw me into a frenzy of wanting to make sure we have everything we need when the baby arrives. My husband says I am hyper "nesting". I guess pregnant women nest too, but they are so tired near the end of the pregnancy that the nesting isn't as hyper.
To add to the nesting, we talked to our birth mother this week and are realizing that her due date is coming fast! We could be having a baby in 4 weeks! It just blows my mind how fast this has all happened. Granted I have been hoping for this for many years, but the actual adoption process for us has been less then 9 months. It really is a testimony to me that when the Lord wants one of his little ones to be in your home, that He can make miracles happen!
To add to the nesting, we talked to our birth mother this week and are realizing that her due date is coming fast! We could be having a baby in 4 weeks! It just blows my mind how fast this has all happened. Granted I have been hoping for this for many years, but the actual adoption process for us has been less then 9 months. It really is a testimony to me that when the Lord wants one of his little ones to be in your home, that He can make miracles happen!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Almost 4 pounds!
We just had another great visit with our birth mother right after she had a doctor's appointment. She said that the baby was doing well and that he was almost 4 pounds! She said that he is kicking alot and is very active. For so many this would be another Dr. visit, but for me it truly was a moment that made this experience more real. I don't have the opportunity to feel the baby inside of me, but when I heard that our baby was almost 4 pounds and that he is really active, it was a glimpse of what my baby was like. I just hung on those words as if it were life itself. My heart felt like it also grew 4 pounds. I could feel my love for him growing in my heart even though I couldn't feel him grow in my belly.
Monday, January 10, 2011
My new favorite store!
Before the baby I have to say I never actually had been in a "Babies R Us" store. The stores that I frequented the most was probably Bloomingdales and Macy's. Now that the baby will be here in less then 3 months, I have been to this baby store more times then my husband probably would like to count. I will admit I went a little overboard when they had a sale on all newborn clothing, but like I told my husband they make such cute boys clothes now!
For so many years I had been the aunt or friend buying a present for a baby shower, now here I am looking for my baby. Buying items for the baby is the part that makes this whole process worth it. The adoption process can sometimes leave you feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, but as soon as I saw a pair of baby tennis shoes those anxiety feelings are quickly replaced with feelings of excitement. Knowing that one day I will have a baby boy who would actually wear those shoes.
One day at the baby store, a women was looking for a present for a friend who was having a little boy. She noticed I was also looking at baby boy clothing. She asked me if I had a little boy. I then smiled and said no, but I will be soon.
For so many years I had been the aunt or friend buying a present for a baby shower, now here I am looking for my baby. Buying items for the baby is the part that makes this whole process worth it. The adoption process can sometimes leave you feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, but as soon as I saw a pair of baby tennis shoes those anxiety feelings are quickly replaced with feelings of excitement. Knowing that one day I will have a baby boy who would actually wear those shoes.
One day at the baby store, a women was looking for a present for a friend who was having a little boy. She noticed I was also looking at baby boy clothing. She asked me if I had a little boy. I then smiled and said no, but I will be soon.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The physics in the quest
I just saw "Eat Pray Love" last night and really related to one of the last excerpts of her book. I feel it related to me as I am continuing this journey I call life. Here is the excerpt:
"The physics in the quest is a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The truth behind those laws states that if you are brave enough to leave behind everything that is familiar and comforting to you (which can be anything from your home or even bitter resentments).... and set out on a truth seeking journey, (either internally or externally)... and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue... and if you accept everyone you meet as a teacher... and if you are prepared most of all to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself....then the truth will not be withheld from you!"
Some might wonder how this relates to adoption. I am realizing that this whole adoption process is just another chapter in my life's journey. It stretches you emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Anyone who truly knows me, is aware of some tough roads I have been on while on my life's journey. Along each road I have taken I have tried to learn something from each of them. I truly believe that the people I have met along my way have brought me to this point and that this road will take me to where my soul is to travel next.
"The physics in the quest is a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The truth behind those laws states that if you are brave enough to leave behind everything that is familiar and comforting to you (which can be anything from your home or even bitter resentments).... and set out on a truth seeking journey, (either internally or externally)... and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue... and if you accept everyone you meet as a teacher... and if you are prepared most of all to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself....then the truth will not be withheld from you!"
Some might wonder how this relates to adoption. I am realizing that this whole adoption process is just another chapter in my life's journey. It stretches you emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Anyone who truly knows me, is aware of some tough roads I have been on while on my life's journey. Along each road I have taken I have tried to learn something from each of them. I truly believe that the people I have met along my way have brought me to this point and that this road will take me to where my soul is to travel next.
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